Why having money scares me and what that says about my beliefs

This morning, as I was applying lipstick and looking at myself in the mirror, I had a strange thought. I remembered when I first started my journey with food delivery company – Glovo, and my goal back then was to make 500 EURO per week. It felt ambitious at the time.

Fast forward to the present time, right after that memory, another thought popped into my head:
“Ugh… good thing I didn’t make that much money. What would I even do with it?”

And I froze. I realized… I genuinely didn’t know what I would have done with that kind of money. It made me stop and think. Could be in part because I have a frugal lifestyle and I am more focused more on savings, rather than spending.

Lately, I’ve hit a milestone with my weekly paycheck. But instead of celebrating it, my mind wandered into this foggy territory. I caught myself feeling uncomfortable. Not because I didn’t want the money… but because I didn’t know how to be the version of myself that could have it.

This morning, I let my brain sit in boredom for a bit. No distractions, no scrolling, no noise. Just stillness at 7 a.m. And in that stillness, a truth surfaced: I think I’m afraid of having a lot of money. Not because I wouldn’t know what to do with it practically, but because, emotionally, I associate money with something dark.

And if I’m honest with myself, I think that belief comes from my father.

I’ve always seen him chase money. He hunted it constantly, but never fulfilled his role as a father. So, somewhere deep inside me, I blamed the money for that. I associated wealth with absence. With failure. With a bad soul.

I internalized the belief that people who have a lot of money must have done something wrong to get it. That they must lack a moral compass. That they hurt others. That they aren’t good people.

So of course I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need much. That I just want “enough to get by.” That frugal living is a virtue. That simplicity is holy.

But if I’m being completely honest—I do want wealth. Not luxury jets or massive estates. Just the freedom to buy what I want without fear. To live abundantly. To not constantly calculate and restrict. To know I’m safe. I want that life. And I’m tired of pretending I don’t.

So maybe it’s time to let go of the belief that money corrupts.
Maybe it’s time to rewire the idea that wealth only comes to those who abandon integrity. Because the truth is, money can come to good people too. To people who have emotional intelligence. To people who work with balance, who live with values, who create from love—not greed.

And maybe the keyword here is just that: balance. Maybe with good practices, continuous introspection, and self-awareness, I can build a relationship with money that feels safe. I know now that I’ve been limiting myself—telling myself I only need the bare minimum. But I want more. And I’m starting to believe that wanting more doesn’t make me bad.

It just makes me honest.